Friday, December 12, 2008

Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI

Ah Beng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to
show it to her.

So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.

"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"

Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian.

"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"

Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"

So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the
accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into
the lamp-post.

"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see la! Wah Piang eh!"
screamed Ah Beng.

"Solee, solee, pai sah la! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"*





Ah Beng and Durians

Ah Beng was on a motorbike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip.

Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians when they rode over a hump, Ah Beng heard a loud bang. He asked Ah Lian: 'Lewlian wu kalau boh?(durians got dropped or not?).'

Ah Lian shouted: 'boh kalau lah!'

So Ah Beng continued with the journey. When they reached home, Ah Beng got down from his motobike and was shocked to see that Ah Lian was not wearing a helmet.

He asked Ah Lian: 'Where is your helmet?'

Ah Lian was very angry and replied: 'Just now I already told you 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!'






Ah Beng Jokes 1

Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his
Phone Book & said,'My Mobile No. Has changed.Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

==========================================
Ah Beng : I am a Proud dad, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

==========================================
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

==========================================
Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

==========================================
Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U
have come again.

==========================================
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except
the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How come the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

==========================================
Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'

==========================================
How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher
erases the board.

==========================================
Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather
forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other
hand it would be hot.

===========================================
Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

===========================================
Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?
Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng : If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

============================================
Teacher: 'I killed a person. Convert this sentence into future tense'
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

=============================================
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

=============================================
A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the evening and not
in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM








The Loan


A Chinese walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Taiwan on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and it's officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Chinese replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"





DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.


我與上司的差別


當我花多一點時間──我是遲鈍
當我的上司花多一點時間──他是謹慎

當我不想做事──我是懶惰
當我的上司不想做事──他是太忙

當我自發做不是交辦的事情──我是越界
換我上司做同樣的事──他是創新

當我忽視小禮節──我是粗魯
換我上司忽視──他是大方不拘小節

當我配合上司──我是拍馬屁
換我上司討好他的上司──他是配合

當我開會時發言──我是多嘴
換我上司發言──他是發表高見

當我堅持立場──我是頑固
換我上司採取同樣的立場──他是有原則

當我努力上進──我是愛表現
我上司有同樣的表現──他是勤勞打拼

當我精神奕奕──我是裝模作樣
換我上司有同樣的表現──他是渾身是勁

當我化妝扮靚──故意引人注意
當我的上司化妝扮靚──內外兼備
換我上司發言──他是發表高見

當我堅持立場──我是頑固
換我上司採取同樣的立場──他是有原則

當我努力上進──我是愛表現
當我精神奕奕──我是裝模作樣
換我上司有同樣的表現──他是渾身是勁

當我化妝扮靚──故意引人注意
當我的上司化妝扮靚──內外兼備






Cellular Phone Story

Since 1-April-97, competition has been very keen in Singapore's cellular phone market due to the new entrant M1. Before that, there was only one operator, that's why no one covers more of Singapore than Singtel Mobile, absolutely no one.

AMPS was the first system that Singtel launched, an Ageing Mobile Phone System. After that they realised that the system is outdated and they put up another system ETACS which the subcribers were not very happy about because it was Extremely Tough to Access Call System. Then came the 2nd generation cellular technologies, which Singtel was working with Ericsson to implement - GSM. After some time, Singtel found that things are Getting Slightly Messy, so they decided it was time to go into 3rd generation technology, PCN. However it is a very Poor Coverage Network and everytime subsciber wants to make a call, they Phui Chao Nua because they can't get thru.

So Singtel decides to rename PCN to the GSM1800 Network, or Get Some More Idiotic Bums Onto Our Network.

M1 initially also use GSM and they learned from Singtel's experience that GSM is not so good either, so M1 goes for CDMA, after several delays in the official launching, M1 knows that this so-called advanced system Can't Do Much Anyway.






Monday, November 17, 2008

一個從事特種工作男人的告白

最近真的好累,真想遠離現在的工作,
真羨慕街角擦皮鞋的老伯,有一技之長真好!

很多人瞧不起幹我們這行的,
認為我們只須『一舉之勞』,就有錢可賺,
可能你也這麼認為吧!
講幾個我的親身經驗,
希望你能體會我們的痛苦與感受!
到我們店裡消費的客人以中年婦人居多,
前天有個母夜叉型的客人,她的那裡奇臭無比,
我第一次插入時,她突然大吼一聲,嚇的我立刻拔了出來,
這騷婆冷冷地瞪了我一眼後,居然抓起我的槍,自己插了進去!
我那時整個人呆住了,好像時空倒流到小學四年級的一堂數學課,
耳邊一次又一次地傳來:『這麼簡單都不會,去罰站!』

幹我們這行的,安全措施不可少,否則很容易染病的。
得病!我們怕,客人更怕!
有個祖母級的常客,起初常質疑我用舊的套子,
後來乾脆每次都自己帶套子來。

我也接過男客,不要懷疑,是男的!
外表看來很斯文,聲調帶點娘娘腔。
因為他那裡太緊,抽出時,套子卡在裡面,
後來我用夾子小心地將套子夾出,只見套子前端黏著惡臭的屎,
害我差點把午餐吐了出來。

當然,運氣好時也是會碰到年輕貌美的小姐。
我就碰過一個日本美女型的小姐,
不但長得像AV女優白石瞳,配合度又高,
完事後,還連跟我說了好幾聲謝謝!


不聊了,有客人上門了,
準備提槍上陣去了

......
..
..
..


小姐您好,歡迎光臨,我先幫您量一下耳溫








[ 誰的權力大 ]

一天,黃夏留教授與兩位朋友一塊兒喝酒。酒至半酣,
這兩位為了誰的權力大吵了起來。一位是環保局的,
另一位是計劃生育辦公室的,吵得不可開交,黃教授連忙和稀泥,
說:「兩位別吵,你們的權力都夠大的。」

對第一位說:「你呀,上管天,下管地,中間還要管空氣。」
說得這位洋洋自得。

老黃看第二位臉上就要掛不住,趕緊接著說:
「你呢,更厲害,不管天,不管地,專管他的生殖器。」






Sunday, November 9, 2008

DeepaRaja Celebrations 2008

This activities was held on 9 November 2008 in conjunction with Deepavali and Hari Raya festive season.