Humorous and Jokes

CONTENT

Ah Beng Jokes
01. Ah Beng talks about Singapore History
02. Ah Beng bought a Honda
03. Ah Beng and durians
04. Ah Beng Jokes 1
05. Ah Beng Jokes 2
06. Ah Beng Jokes 3
07. Ah Beng Jokes 4
08. Ah Beng Boleh

09. Unbelievable Ah Soh 1
10. Unbelievable Ah Soh 2


OTHERS
01. A Loan
02. Celluar Phone Story
03. Signs of Times
04. Kiddy Riddles
05. Ah Pek and the Pope
06. American vs Japanese
07. Wrong Email Address
08. Lunch-time is Lunch-time
09. Thoughts on Quiet Night - Poem by Li Bai
10. Intertesting Signage
11. Jokes from IMH~~
12. Story of Handphone Systems
13. Another Singapore Story for thinking Singaporean Only


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Management Jokes
01. Types of Corporations
02. Twenty Management Style
03. Difference between You and Your Boss
04. Business Logic
05. Business Courses
06. Tips for Success in Business

Click onto the above link to read Riddles / Jokes.................

Ah Beng Jokes 4

Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song.

The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss, claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, after long talk with Ah Bengs, manager found out that Ah Bengs actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what the the letter G meant. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit the "G" button.

When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian, "Wah low!, how you know one?" The first Ah Lian replied smugly, "Easy la, G for Gero mah."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TIPS FOR SUCCESS IN BUSINESS

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

* * * * * * * * * *

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

* * * * * * * * * *

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

* * * * * * * * * *

Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.

If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.

Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Story of Handphone Systems

Since 1-April-97, competition has been very keen in Singapore's cellular phone market due to the new entrant M1. Before that, there was only one operator, that's why no one covers more of Singapore than Singtel Mobile, absolutely no one.

AMPS was the first system that Singtel launched, an Ageing Mobile Phone System. After that they realised that the system is outdated and they put up another system ETACS which the subcribers were not very happy about because it was Extremely Tough to Access Call System. Then came the 2nd generation cellular technologies, which Singtel was working with Ericsson to implement - GSM. After some time, Singtel found that things are Getting Slightly Messy, so they decided it was time to go into 3rd generation technology, PCN. However it is a very Poor Coverage Network and everytime subsciber wants to make a call, they Phui Chao Nua because they can't get thru.

So Singtel decides to rename PCN to the GSM1800 Network, or Get Some More Idiotic Bums Onto Our Network.

M1 initially also use GSM and they learned from Singtel's experience that GSM is not so good either, so M1 goes for CDMA, after several delays in the official launching, M1 knows that this so-called advanced system Can't Do Much Anyway.

Unbelievable Ah Soh 2

Actually, Ah Soh don't know a lot of things can also be good leh..

Ah Soh and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from SG to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? Ah Soh, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, Ah Soh declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches Ah Soh's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Ah Soh doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

Ah Soh asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Ah Soh, and hands her $500.00.

Ah Soh says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes Ah Soh and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Ah Soh reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah Soh and Ah Lian were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge of a high building and threatening to jump. Then the TV Commercials cut in.

Ah Lian: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Ah Soh: "Okay."

The news came back, and the man jumps.

Ah Soh: "Okay, here's my $20."
Ah Lian: "No, that was too easy, Not fair, I can't take your money."
Ah Soh: "I insist. lose means lose! A bet is a bet!"

Ah Lian: "Actually, I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew the man jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."

Ah Soh: "I know I saw it too, I just can't believe he will jumped again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah Soh had just gotten a new car and so decided to go out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a taxi driver. The angry taxi dirver then signalled Ah Soh to pull over.

When Ah Soh did, he got out of his taxi and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Ah Soh,

'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around, Ah Soh had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think funny ar? Watch this!'

He gets a baseball bat out of his taxi and breaks every window in Ah Soh's car.

When he turns and looks at her, Ah Soh has a smile on her face.

The taxi driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now Ah Soh is laughing.

The taxi driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his taxi and gets a can of gas, pours it on Ah Soh's car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and Ah Soh is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

'What's so funny?' the taxi driver asked Ah Soh.

Ah Soh replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!! hee hee hee."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The unbelievable Ah Soh 1

Ah Soh wants to buy a TV set. She goes to a shop.
Ah Soh : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Soh : "Give me a green one,please " =========================================

Ah Soh is filling up an application form for a job.
She supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc
When she comes to column on "Salary Expected"
She is not sure of the question.
After much thought, she writes " Yes " =========================================

Ah Soh goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Soh : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Soh : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Soh : "I'll buy it" The next day, Ah Soh goes to work with her thermo flask
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Soh : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do?"
Ah Soh : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it ?"
Ah Soh : "Two cups of coffee and a coke" (^_^)
=========================================

After taking photocopies of documents,
Ah Soh always compare it with the original for spelling mistakes.
=========================================

Ah Soh always smile during lightning storms
Because she thinks her picture is being taken.
=========================================

How can you tell if the fax is from Ah Soh ?
Because it has a postage stamp on it.
=========================================

Why can't Ah Soh dial 911 ?
Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
=========================================

Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.
Her friend get a seat downstair and Ah Soh goes upstair.
After a while, her friend goes upstair to look for Ah Soh and find her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering
Her friend : "What happen to you ?
why are you shivering, I was enjoying my ride downstair"
AhSoh : "Yeah, but you've got a driver but I don't"

=========================================

承諾

承諾三十年

話說有一日，Roger和Judy結婚，

在新婚之夜,
Roger將一盒東西放在床底，
並要求Judy發誓絕不能偷看這盒，
因為這是他的秘密。

如是者，Judy守了這承諾三十年，
真的一次都沒有偷看過。

就在他們結婚三十週年那一天，
Judy心想:「我忍了三十年，我真的很想知道盒裡面裝著什麼...」
於是她就打開盒子，
發現盒子裡有三個空的啤酒罐和 82000美金。

Judy感到奇怪地想:「為什麼會有這麼多錢和三個空的啤酒罐呢?」
當晚，他們在一間高級餐廳慶祝結婚三十週年，

Judy很坦白地跟Roger說:
「對不起，在過去三十年我都有守諾言沒看過那個盒，但是我今天真的忍不住看了，
真的很對不起。但既然我看了，你可不可以告訴我那三個空的啤酒罐代表什麼意思？」

Roger答:
「好了，都過了三十年了，是時候告訴你的了。其實是這樣的，每一個空罐就代表我
每一次去嫖妓，回來時都會放一個空罐在床下，以警惕自己不會有下一次。」

之後Judy面色一沈，口唇震動，但心想:「結婚都三十年了，你也算對我不錯，都只是去了三次。」
然後說:「算了，跟你做了三十年夫妻，你也不算太過份，我就原諒你啦。」

Judy再說:「這麼那82000美金又是什麼回事?」

Roger答:那些錢.....是我把罐子賣了......拿到的錢

一封不用成語的求職信

我叫ＸＸ，一九八三年五月七日生。出生地點是台灣省台中縣。國立ＸＸ大學資訊工程碩士。

我求學過程順利，幾乎年年考第一，在校是個「品行和學識都很優良」(品學兼優) 的好學生! 我的專長是程式設計，我對它的「駕馭能力輕易而熟悉」 (駕輕就熟) 。而且各種電腦的軟體、硬體更是像「瞭解我的手指或手掌」 ( 瞭如指掌) 般瞭解，因為我在學校時，都「晚上點油燈，一直到白天有陽光進來」 (夜以繼日) ，我都還是在讀 。

雖然你會認為我是七年級的「像草莓一碰就破的族群」 (一觸即破、一戳即破)，那你可就「有眼睛，卻不認識中國的泰山」 (有眼不識泰山) 。其實我有「堅定忍耐、不會風一吹就被拔掉」(不屈不撓) 毅力和恆心，您大可放一百二十個心錄用我成為您公司「不但忠心而且耿直」 (忠心耿耿) 的一員，我一定會對工作「把全部的力量拿出去」(鞠躬盡瘁) 的啦！ 就算是「滾到很燙的湯裡去或是踩到很燙的火裡去」 (赴湯蹈火) ，我也是「會在份內好好的做，絕不推辭」(盡其在我，萬死不辭) 的啦！

我一向都是 「敬重公事、遵守法律」 (奉公守法) 的人，這次特別遵照教育部長的指 示，不用成語寫信求職「不看和尚的面子，也看佛祖的面子」 (不看僧面看佛面)錄用我，我將對您「感激的流下鼻涕和眼淚」 (感激涕零) 。

我的马来语是一流的

我的马来语是一流的，请看

1。杀兔
2。乳鹅
3。地个
4。安排
5。你妈
6。安南
7。毒酒
8。拉班
9。森美兰
10。石埔路

还有：
大：不杀
小：刻鸡
死：抹地
吃：马干
洗：猪鸡
要：猫
不要：打猫
谢谢：带你妈看戏

英語課本其恐怖的一頁

y e s － 爺 死
n i c e － 奶 死
b u s － 爸 死
M a r s － 媽 死
g o s h － 哥 死
c h e e s e － 姊 死
t h i s － 弟 死
m a i d s － 妹 死
w a s － 我 死
e a s t － 姨 死
g o e s － 舅 死
t r e m b l e s － 全 部 死
s e a l s － 笑 死
h a m s － 喊 死
m o l l u s c － 無 聊 死
h a r s h e n s － 開 心 死
f a i l u r e s － 快 樂 死
b e a r s － 悲 哀 死
k i s s － 激 死
d o s e － 都 死

他爸爸看完立刻死亡~~~

求職前 就業後的差別

進入公司前

老闆：萬分歡迎，沒有你我們的公司肯定大不一樣！
職員：如果工作太累，搞不好我會辭職的
老闆：放心，我不會讓這樣的事情發生的！
職員：我週休二日可以休息嗎？
老闆：當然了！這是底線！
職員：平時會天天加班到淩晨嗎？
老闆：不可能，誰告訴你的？
職員：有餐費補貼嗎？
老闆：還用說嗎，絕對比同行都高！
職員：有沒有工作猝死的風險？
老闆：不會！你怎麼會有這種念頭？
職員：公司會定期組織旅遊嗎？
老闆：這是我們的明文規定！
職員：那我需要準時上班嗎？
老闆：不，看情況吧
職員：工資呢？會準時發嗎？
老闆：一向如此！
職員：事情全是新員工做嗎？
老闆：怎麼可能，你上頭還有很多資深同事！
職員：如果管理職位有空缺，我可以參與競爭嗎？
老闆：毫無疑問，這是我們公司賴以生存的機制！
職員：你不會是在騙我吧？

進入公司後，從下往上讀

我與上司的差別

當我花多一點時間──我是遲鈍
當我的上司花多一點時間──他是謹慎

當我不想做事──我是懶惰
當我的上司不想做事──他是太忙

當我自發做不是交辦的事情──我是越界
換我上司做同樣的事──他是創新

當我忽視小禮節──我是粗魯
換我上司忽視──他是大方不拘小節

當我配合上司──我是拍馬屁
換我上司討好他的上司──他是配合

當我開會時發言──我是多嘴
換我上司發言──他是發表高見

當我堅持立場──我是頑固
換我上司採取同樣的立場──他是有原則

當我努力上進──我是愛表現
我上司有同樣的表現──他是勤勞打拼

當我精神奕奕──我是裝模作樣
換我上司有同樣的表現──他是渾身是勁

當我化妝扮靚──故意引人注意
當我的上司化妝扮靚──內外兼備
換我上司發言──他是發表高見

當我堅持立場──我是頑固
換我上司採取同樣的立場──他是有原則

當我努力上進──我是愛表現
當我精神奕奕──我是裝模作樣
換我上司有同樣的表現──他是渾身是勁

當我化妝扮靚──故意引人注意
當我的上司化妝扮靚──內外兼備

求職信

一份令老闆當場暈倒的求職簡歷......面試人員給兩位前來應徵的男士一張履歷表......
主考官看完第一位填好的簡歷半天沒說話，董事長差點就嘔吐了。

他是這樣填寫的：
姓名：英文的還是中文的？
年齡：這是私人問題。
身高：這跟工作有關係麼？
體重：隨時改變，飯前飯後都不同。
居住地：那是一個特別的地方，我生命的舞臺。
電話：愛立信手機。
電子郵件：只留給漂亮和富有的女孩。
上班時間：越短越好。
應徵職位：找一個不做什麼實事，但能被美女包圍的職位。
學歷：畢業於一個你找不著的大學。
語言能力：侃大山是專長。
興趣：睡得天昏地暗。
生日：正月初七
經歷：遊戲人生。
曾任職位：高級的或者低級的都是一種經歷。
婚姻狀況：我正在尋找漂亮又富有的女孩，希望在你們公司能找到。
未來期望：只負責主席臺講話，並且希望儘早退休。
希望待遇：比實際工作量拿得多就行。

接著，他們再看第二位應徵者時，主考官眼冒金花，董事長更當場暈倒。

姓名：父母取的
年齡：不小了
身高：很高
體重：中等
居住地：家裏
電話：在身上
電子郵件：朋友幫我申請的
上班時間：8小時
應徵職位：一位
學歷：如果畢業的話有高中學歷
語言能力：有
興趣：很多
生日：還沒到吧！
經歷：剛來的時候摔了一跟頭！
曾任職位：小學時當過少先隊小隊長喔！
婚姻狀況：父母已結婚
未來期望：再找好工作
希望待遇：希望大家都很疼我