英語水平

某公司招聘，下一位該面試的女孩的英文名是“spring“。

秘書欲借機賣弄一下自己的英語水平，喊道：“hi！那個叫‘春’的，輪到你了！”

Kiddy Riddles

Kindergarten Kids' Riddles


Just to share some kindergarten riddles I have compiled:

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
ALICIA: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
ALICIA: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Ann, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
ANN: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
DONALD: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
SAM: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: James, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
JAMES: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
_____________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
_______________

TEACHER: John, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
JOHN: Me!
______________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
MIKE : Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
MIKE : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Roger, why do you always get so dirty?
ROGER: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Amy, give me a sentence starting with "I."
AMY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
AMY : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: Tom, how do you spell "crocodile?"
TOM: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
TOM: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell
it!
_____________

Ah Pek and the Pope

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all Chinese had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Chinese community. So the Pope made a deal.

He would have a religious debate with a member of the Chinese community. If the Chinese win, they could stay. If the Pope wins, the Chinese must leave.

The Chinese realized that they had no other choice.
So they picked a middle-aged man named Ah Pek to represent them.

Ah Pek asked for one condition to be added to the debate.'To make it more interesting' , he said, 'Neither side would be allowed to talk'. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Ah Pek and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute.

Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Ah Pek looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Ah Pek pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a loaf and a glass of wine.
Ah Pek pull out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said: 'I give up.
This man is too good. The Chinese can stay.

'An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity.

He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.'

'Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us.'
He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.'

'I pulled out the wine and loaf to show that God absolves all sin.
He showed me an apple to remind us of the original sin.'

'He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'


Meanwhile, the Chinese community had crowded around Ah Pek.
'What happened?' they asked.

'Well,' said Ah Pek.

'First he indicated to me that all Chinese had 3 days to get out of here.
I replied to him f*#k off, and not one of us is leaving.'

'Then he pointed that this whole city would be cleared of Chinese. I showed him that we are staying right here.'

'Yes, and then???' asked the crowd.

'I don't know', said Ah Pek.

'He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!!'

现今电脑设备的私生活论…

Monitor说：我好惨！每天给人看…

Keyboard说：我更惨呢！每天给人打…

Mouse说：我才惨咧！每天给人摸…

CD-ROM说：我好惨！每天给人插…

Floppy说：我更惨！现在没人插我了…

Pen Drive说：谁有我惨？这边插完又要去那边插！一不小心还会被感染…

Motherboard说：不要以为我被很多东西插就会很爽咯！它们插进来后就不动了，那才是真正难受啊！
…最后…

Speaker说：还说呢！明明是我在插你，为什么都是我在叫罢了？！

福利待遇

臨近面試結束之際，人力資源負責人問剛從大學畢業的工商管理碩士﹕「你希望起薪是多少？」

這位應聘者回答﹕「年薪在12萬5千美元左右吧，這還要看福利待遇。」

人力資源負責人說﹕「噢，你覺得5週假期，醫療費全包，公司給付50%薪金的退休金,每兩年可向公司租借一輛新車，比如一輛紅色的克爾維特，怎麼樣？」

這位年輕的工商管理碩士坐直了身說﹕「哇！！！你在開玩笑吧？」

人力資源負責人說﹕「是你先開始的。」

人啊，都不講實話：

說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；

說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；

說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!

當今社會，窮吃肉，富吃蝦，領導幹部吃王八；
男想高，女想瘦，狗穿衣裳人露肉；

過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。

鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；

舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。

TIPS FOR SUCCESS IN BUSINESS

Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.

People with the newspaper in their hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

* * * * * * * * * *

Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss--and you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

* * * * * * * * * *

Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.

To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

* * * * * * * * * *

Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing-- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's the way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail.

If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour. That way, you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.

The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.

Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full"--a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

Story of Handphone Systems

Since 1-April-97, competition has been very keen in Singapore's cellular phone market due to the new entrant M1. Before that, there was only one operator, that's why no one covers more of Singapore than Singtel Mobile, absolutely no one.

AMPS was the first system that Singtel launched, an Ageing Mobile Phone System. After that they realised that the system is outdated and they put up another system ETACS which the subcribers were not very happy about because it was Extremely Tough to Access Call System. Then came the 2nd generation cellular technologies, which Singtel was working with Ericsson to implement - GSM. After some time, Singtel found that things are Getting Slightly Messy, so they decided it was time to go into 3rd generation technology, PCN. However it is a very Poor Coverage Network and everytime subsciber wants to make a call, they Phui Chao Nua because they can't get thru.

So Singtel decides to rename PCN to the GSM1800 Network, or Get Some More Idiotic Bums Onto Our Network.

M1 initially also use GSM and they learned from Singtel's experience that GSM is not so good either, so M1 goes for CDMA, after several delays in the official launching, M1 knows that this so-called advanced system Can't Do Much Anyway.

Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg....

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life..'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it..

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

BUSINESS LOGIC

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'

Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'

Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'

Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'

Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'

Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. '

President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'

Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'

President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive

What is Marketing?

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!'
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, 'He's very rich. Marry him.'
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.'
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink..
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, 'By the way, I'm very rich 'Will you marry me?'
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich, I want to marry you.'
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me'
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback

Types of Corporations

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM. You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION. You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION. You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION. You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION. You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION. You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment and high bovine productivity. You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at 0.06 per lit. Then midway you raised the price to 0.60 or you cut supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want 1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows. Your two cows retire together with the PM.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION. You have two cows: One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu". Both are owned by a government linked corporation.

Twenty Management Styles

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

Unbelievable Ah Soh 2

Actually, Ah Soh don't know a lot of things can also be good leh..

Ah Soh and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from SG to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? Ah Soh, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, Ah Soh declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches Ah Soh's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Ah Soh doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn".

Ah Soh asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Ah Soh, and hands her $500.00.

Ah Soh says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes Ah Soh and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, Ah Soh reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah Soh and Ah Lian were watching the 10 o'clock news together. The current news was about a man up on a ledge of a high building and threatening to jump. Then the TV Commercials cut in.

Ah Lian: "I'll bet you $20 he's going to jump."
Ah Soh: "Okay."

The news came back, and the man jumps.

Ah Soh: "Okay, here's my $20."
Ah Lian: "No, that was too easy, Not fair, I can't take your money."
Ah Soh: "I insist. lose means lose! A bet is a bet!"

Ah Lian: "Actually, I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6 o'clock news and knew the man jumped. So it wasn't really a fair bet."

Ah Soh: "I know I saw it too, I just can't believe he will jumped again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ah Soh had just gotten a new car and so decided to go out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a taxi driver. The angry taxi dirver then signalled Ah Soh to pull over.

When Ah Soh did, he got out of his taxi and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Ah Soh,

'Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around, Ah Soh had a slight grin on her face, so he said, 'Oh you think funny ar? Watch this!'

He gets a baseball bat out of his taxi and breaks every window in Ah Soh's car.

When he turns and looks at her, Ah Soh has a smile on her face.

The taxi driver is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now Ah Soh is laughing.

The taxi driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his taxi and gets a can of gas, pours it on Ah Soh's car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and Ah Soh is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

'What's so funny?' the taxi driver asked Ah Soh.

Ah Soh replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!! hee hee hee."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~